Death

I used to not be afraid of death. In fact, I think that I used to have a great outlook on it and have handled situations in my life very well.

When my daughter was born in 2000 life around me was crazy. My grandparents celebrated their 50th anniversary in July and a month later my grandpa went into the hospital ICU where he was doing a 5 month stint. During that time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and would have to have surgery. I was going up daily hoping that there would be another family member to take care of Bean while I did my daily visits. My life was at that hospital. My mother soon came home and my grandpa passed away 9 years ago today. Still, through it all... watching him suffer I was not afraid of death. I didn't question it.

It wasn't until my mom got breast cancer that I lost all control. I couldn't function. I started to wonder about it all. My mom has lupus, sjogrens and renauds disease. It is a daily battle of doctors, hospitals, blood work and over all being a different person then whom I grew up knowing. It took me years to look at life differently and when she was first going through it all my life was turned upside down. I did wills, I wrote and made videos for the kids that they could have when I was gone. My own mortality was in question and I didn't handle it very well.

Now, all these years later and coming to terms that I can only do what I can I am faced with that possibility again. A cousin, 40 years old went in to have her tonsils removed and had a stroke and lost her life. It makes it all come crashing down and I sit here this morning thanking the earth that I am still here and enjoying my babies.